Fisticuffs - The North & South of them

Marvel Comics introduced its superhero character of "The incredible Hulk" sometime in the 60s. The background is well known - Dr. Bruce Banner - a physicist exposed to radiation from an experimental gamma bomb explosion turns to a mammoth green monster when enraged or provoked into anger. The introvert scientist usually reserved and withdrawn becomes a creature seething with uncontrollable rage - exuding super human strength that destroys anything and everything in his path. 

Well, so much for getting you guys warmed up to the topic of my today's post, Rage - more so on the busy 'Sadaks' of India - the North and South of them. Being a Bangalorean yet working in Noida, makes me look at things from a southern perspective. It is how I am wired. It is how we are all wired. 

A particular incident in the busy commercial space of Karol Bagh, New Delhi on a very pleasant Sunday in February this year and my sudden remembrance of the same today, triggered my blogger juices to make a post out of it. Sowmya was visiting from Bangalore and I had taken her on her maiden metro ride to the Karol Bagh shopping district to reduce my wallet's weight and add to her luggage some precious bags, jeans, jackets etc etc. While on a leisurely stroll on the crowded pavements, we came across an unusual gathering of a motley crowd at an intersection. There was a clear sight of 2 sedans parked awkwardly in the middle of the intersection blocking traffic and pedestrian flow. Out on the streets were the owners of these sedans, exchanging 'unpleasantries'. Each one aiming at one-up man ship by trying to intimidate the other with innovative mix - match of profanities, which thankfully only I understood and wifey was blissfully ignorant. We had time to kill and I insisted on staying a little while longer and watch the saga unfold. Fingers were pointed at each other & came as close as within a few centimeters from either person's eyes. 

The chill in the wind was not cold enough to sooth either of their nerves and lo! all of a sudden they turned pugilists and a fisticuffs battle ensued! I would have stayed longer and soaked in the free entertainment if Sowmya hadn't prodded me to vacate the space and move on further to spend more of my hard earned money on some vanity bags and high cut shoes for her. 

This might have been a first of a kind road rage incident for her, since not many such incidents happen near her maternal home of Mysore, where motorists are friendly and law abiding and extremely cordial towards each other. Any rare occurrence of a minor mishap would result in the drivers stepping out of their cars and inspecting the damages caused if any. No damage - no problem. Its time to move on. Of course apologies are exchanged and there are no Hulk moments. May be it is because of the subdued pace of the city or the culture of the natives that advises them against display of useless rage on the roads. 

Bangalore, my city on the other hand is quite different. Though not as 'radical' as the North, it is quite a temperamental city and road rage is a known entity on Bangalore's narrow roads and people are much more impatient and irascible compared to the royal city. However, it is interesting that in Bangalore, the tempers flare but soon subside when it comes to going beyond the normal exchange of profanities in the vernacular language. The other usual exercises of stepping out & inspecting damages do happen, but rarely does the matter proceed towards fisticuffs and an all out battle on the street. 

I have observed that in India, where there is a striking disparity amongst people, there is a greater bias against car owners / drivers when compared to riders of 2 wheelers and auto rickshaws. Call it mob justice or what, but it is common practice to hold the one driving the car to fault in cases of road mishaps - small or big. 

In the southern cities, people are more rational and more sympathetic to the situation. They construe the whole incident as unfortunate which should not have happened in the first place. However in Delhi and NCR, I have seen young chaps driving rickety bikes and old 2 stroke scooters terrorize the fellow in the car in case of a lapse in concentration. Once, on my way home from my office in Sector 127, enroute Nithari road, I saw these rider - pillion duo on an old Bajaj Chetak driving quite precariously. A Santro from behind who had to turn the other side just made a wrong calculation of his distance from the scooter and knicked the rear of 2 wheeler which made the duo taste dust. Thankfully, all this happened at quite low speeds and no one was hurt. The scooter rider immediately stood up, demanding the car windows to be rolled down (since I was in an auto rickshaw I was able to look at this in real time as my driver felt morally obliged to step out and resolve the issue if it ever went out of hand - yeah! Noida mein aisa hi hota hai - in the words of my auto driver) and when it was done, he immediately took out the car keys and barked at the car driver to step out of the vehicle and soon the fisticuffs started. 

I mentioned this incident because I myself was involved in such an incident while driving my car in Bangalore - Bull temple road to be precise. I was still a novice then and my half clutch was only average. Bangalore has the highest 2 wheeler population - not only in India but the whole of the world! There was a rather uphill road that I had to negotiate and there was a busy crossing in between. The more experienced drivers zipped past me without trouble and I was stuck with my average half clutch, the risk of the engine turning off and the fear of constant loud honking from behind. The situation was already out of control and when I put her on first gear and pushed the gas peddle, she just roared to life and plunged forward only to collide with a crossing 2 wheeler. Obviously he fell and my car came to a grinding halt. Extreme fear of public mortification & the pangs of guilt prevented me from stepping out of the car. The guy on the fallen Honda Activa stood up with a face so angry that reminded me of dad when I had done something wrong. The usual demand to roll down the windows which I meekly obliged to - being a novice with a new car and all. Much to my relief the fellow did not even lay a hand on my car let alone on me. He just showered me with his arsenal of best local profanities which I attributed to my bad karma! I was let off after a few seconds of lip service! This happens only in the south! 

I wonder what the differences were in the 2 situations except for the locations where they were placed. I have always wondered why people in the North are more susceptible to anger and how easily take it one step further to vent out their rage. Maybe they take the Hindi proverb of "Jiski Lathi Uski Bhains" logic a tad too seriously. 

In the south, people believe in poetic justice and rely on Karma making the decisions. Of late, however, I feel that the whole of India, is becoming more and more vulnerable to PDR (Public Display of Rage) and I only hope, a scientific approach to traffic management and a more responsible attitude of drivers will develop to avoid a total - No holds barred - free for all - mayhem on the streets. 

Horn Hounds

A detour from my short trip to nostalgia made me focus my thoughts on the looming nuisance of noise in India's mercurial cities. 

Unlike the Scandinavian cities with eerie silence even during the day, Indian cities are  full of sounds, all kinds of them. It continuously stresses the ear drums with fervent noises vibrating them at high amplitudes all through the day. Our cities wear a fair like look and create a din that resonates in your minds. The sounds are unmistakably Indian and these are typical to our country alone. 

Though just about a third of India's population live in cities as compared to a little more than 50% in China and over 70 - 80% in developed nations, they are pretty overcrowded and are already reeling under severe shortage of good infrastructure for people and automobiles. Indian  cities are witnessing heavy vertical growth which is unprecedented. More and more migrants in search of jobs are drawn to the city lights every day and the authorities are a stressed out lot trying to make everybody's lives easier. A latest census / survey reveals that India is in dire need of more than 900 million square meters of residential space, 500 km of metro and underground railway systems and over 25000 km of roads every year to cater to the perennial growth of urban space. 

The current situation in Indian cities is similar to disturbing a hornet's nest. The automobile boom in India has choked up the streets in such a way that it leaves little space to even walk about freely. Rampant violation of construction norms set by city development authorities due to gnawing corruption within the departments has led to swanky 4 wheelers beings parked outside homes on spaces meant to be pedestrian sidewalks. On going development projects such as pipe laying, construction of underground drains, cable laying, under pass constructions etc etc also severely cripple the free flow of traffic and expose walkers to serious risk. 

The walkers, especially bear the brunt since their right to walk on areas designated to them has already been encroached upon by car owners and poorly constructed pavements. Speeding cars and trucks honk their way to move ahead through the milling traffic. Particularly in New Delhi and the national capital region (NCR) where driving sensibly is not one's cup of tea, the pedestrians are a harassed lot. Harmless walkers are startled by inhumane drivers who speed about the narrow residential lanes honking away to their glory. The horns here I have observed are so loud and long that it borders on torture rather than annoying. Southern cities such as Bangalore & Chennai are more kind to pedestrians and exercise sensible use of the horns. I have had the opportunity of visiting western cities such as Pune and Ahmedabad and the situations there are not that bad either. 

It is a well established fact that drivers in NCR are most impatient and intolerant. This region has the highest concentration of 4 wheelers when compared with the rest of India which has added very significantly to the infrastructure woes here. It is worthwhile to note that NCR enjoys the maximum allocation of funds from the center for infrastructure development and yet the problems never seem to subside, mainly due to the attitude of people. Lopsided development translates into concentration of employment opportunities in certain regions only and skilled workers need to travel long distances to their places of employment. While Noida has a good concentration of power & manufacturing sector, the IT sector has made Gurgaon their base camp. New Delhi acts as both hubs for all kinds of industries as well as a transit point for people crossing states. 

The traffic congestion in NCR is made of stuff that amounts to legendary. Bumper to bumper traffic that normally stretch to a couple of kilometers are testimony to heightened levels of noise. The high levels of noise pollution has led to the permanent disappearance of several species of birds and animals from Indian cities. Though temporary in nature, noise has lasting effects that are normally detrimental in nature. Call it frustration, but drivers go over the top by adding to the chaos on the streets when they honk their loud air horns with vengeance. It definitely does not help convert the inching traffic to even a canter. 

The noise levels on Indian roads could perhaps be likened to the deafening noises of a mechanized jack hammers that are used to break rocks and roads. On particularly noisy days the levels can be compared with the deathly sounds on a battlefield. Though the law forbids from citizens using horns that emit sounds louder than the allowed dB level, this law is seldom followed and worse the authorities turn a deaf ear to cases of blatant violations when truckers honk air horns during peak our traffic. Air horns are the ones that are used in stadiums and are banned for use in vehicles. These bullies on roads just petrify the small cars and bikes in front of them with their unbearably loud horns. 

I call all of these honk happy drivers as 'Horn Hounds'. They are without minds and resort to this daylight crime. Sudden outbursts of high decibel sounds increases the heart's pace and it can be very harmful for children and senior citizens. I myself had been a horn hound and I resort to mindless honking whenever I drive around in my car in Bangalore. My wife's constant rebuttals has reduced this habit of mine to a large extent. The horn hounds' apathy towards order is more evident when they choose to ignore obvious signs to maintain a silent zone, especially near hospitals, funeral homes, creches and schools. 

I especially detest these truckers who encourage drivers to honk their horns by painting in large prints urging cars and bikes to press the horn to get their way ahead. It is common sight for all Indians when behind a truck. I really wonder, if the trailing traffic would not have ever honked if the truckers did not endorse the same. It is liking authorizing a person for murder. Come on! they would do it anyway! 

I really wish that my fellow Indians would get less horny (pun intended) and when trapped inside the tin boxes, think of something pleasant to kill the time. May be tune into the radio or recall fond memories of your boyhood and contemplate over the reason you got married! But please! pull a plug to those awful horns. After all, no one likes to be called a hound and even dogs do not bark without a reason. 

A careful driver is one who honks his horn when he goes through a red light.

- Henry Morgan

Southern Shaadi Shenanigans

In India, Shaadi or Wedding is a day of reckoning for the largely middle class and sparsely upper class communities. Indians plan their lives around this very day. Each and every decision they have ever taken in their lives is to make this once in a lifetime event a day to cherish.

In India, a marriage is a communion of two families rather than just the groom and the bride. A solid foundation to an ever lasting & fruitful relationship is laid by the two sides. Even in today's uber modern Indian society, people consider the happy approval of their respective parents, uncles, aunts, grannies, grandpas, nephews, nieces, some newly discovered far off relatives, second and third cousins as sacrosanct before considering the next big step i.e. to get into the marriage itself. This is an unwritten mandate for all marriages, irrespective of the fact that the boy and the girl have held discrete courting sessions either at college or at work or both.

In India, though it is fast changing, the trend is for 'arranged' marriages. It is still very much in vogue. It is a risky proposition for the incumbents as their haplessness knows no bounds. The whole process is quite amusing if you actually sit and ponder on it. You are part, (heck! not a part, you are the product) of a grand marketing strategy at work where experienced and skilled minds are in continuous brain storming sessions to come out with a proposal that is best for either side. Management gurus call it the 'win - win' approach of negotiating a deal!

You are so proud of your achievements at college and at work. Your peers and seniors openly laud your outspoken nature, your bold outlook and fast decision making capabilities. You are busy counting the feathers on your cap and suddenly when you are among marriage proposals, your feathers are all ruffled. All your hard earned skills and expertise are all of a sudden "Not Applicable"

Having gone through this whole process myself, I can assure you that when it comes to taking a decision concerning your own life, you have absolutely no choice! well not in the strictest sense, but our parents and relatives often carry the opinion that a kid straight out of college without a girl friend is a "Desparado" and nods his head in consent at the first sight of a prospective wife.

One often ends up puzzled when your hard thought decision about the "right" girl is mercilessly rejected by your elders. Where did I go wrong? Was it not a girl that I okayed? Am I right in the head cause everyone else seems to think in the opposite direction! You just do not say "OK" to the very first girl you come across!

In India, people put their trust in time. We invest our hopes in the constant movements of the Sun which moves time itself. The women folk especially, make the whole experience of selecting a wife all the more harrowing and complex. There are a certain number of criteria that the girl has to match before moving on to the next round. These are the contract prerequisites. Contract being the marriage itself. These covenants of the "bride qualification" process are handed down to Indian mothers from generation to generation. Even at the common deli or the flea market, an Indian woman spends an average of 30 minutes to buy a kilo of Okra and Lauki (Ladies finger and Bottle gaurd for the unfamiliar). This half an hour is invested in striking a most favourable deal i.e. to spend the least possible to gain the best commodity on display. Likewise, your moms and aunts believe in slowing down the process to hand you over the best "girl" on a platter. They are the unofficial business development officers who do a thorough market research and arrive at the right time to launch their most favourite product, U!

After coldly, rejecting half a dozen proposals (this applies to the boy also when the girl's family applies the same selection prerequisite) you finally zero in on your future wife. You are happy, your parents, uncles, aunts, grannies, grandpas, nephews, nieces, some newly discovered far off relatives, second and third cousins are all happy and lo presto! a decision is made ! The management has made the risk review, conducted the GO - NO GO gate review, discussed on the budget and finally issued the NTP (Notice to Proceed). 

Let me run you guys through the Tour de Marriage, beginning with the very first lap, the "Interview". Believe me guys, this Interview leaves the toughest of men shaking in their boots. I do not know if this ritual is restricted to South Indian households, but being a Southie myself, I have knowledge, ample enough to share on this subject. This ritual is actually a very civilised way of a show of strength and a battle of nerves. This is the original "Last man standing Wins" and the arena is either the boy's or the girl's place or at a neutral venue such as the neighbourhood restaurant. You are in for an array of preliminary questions framed by the girl's side. After dodging and tackling all of them, you are in for some home made treats (there is a standard for this too), you have the regular Upma, Sevai (Indian Noodles) a sweet and some spicy melange ('mixture' in the local tongue). Then, you have some cool aunties who crack some jokes to break some ice and the get the momentum up & running. The 'girl' is ushered in slowly and quite melodramatically by her mom, dad, sisters, friends etc and is formally introduced to you and your folks, who slowly start turning towards you to catch you blushing hopelessly.

You are on Bryan Adam's Cloud Number Nine (Sorry, but I like this Canadian Rocker) and you are imaginary - punch - fisting - in the air.

Somebody on the girl's side voluntarily discloses to everyone's surprise and bemusement that the incumbent is a trained carnatic singer. Surely, her high notes and deep understanding of the Ragas is bound to impress you.

You keep a straight face feigning an equally deep knowledge of the carnatic ragas and you start nodding your head in appreciation like that funny Raccoon (King Julien) in Madagascar!

After a volley of questions and answers and the much awaited private tete -  a - tete between the boy and girl (much of which is mired in silence and stupid smiles), your battalion leaves victorious. You have passed the interview with flying colours without having to say pretty much anything.

After both sides consult their respective "family astrologers" a date is set up for the Engagement ceremony. This is the familiar exchange of ring ceremony and it is that time of your life when you update your relationship status on your Facebook page from 'Single' to 'Engaged'. Usually, the date for the wedding is fixed during the engagement ceremony. This is followed by expeditions to the numerous outlets specialising in traditional Sarees specially designed for nuptial occasions. An entire lifetime's savings are mercilessly splurged on exotic silks embroidered with gold and silver. Then comes the over kill - jewellery for the ladies! There are the quick visits to the caterer who comes highly recommended by some uncle or aunt of yours. The menu for the big day has to be discussed and agreed upon mutually. After all, compromising on one's gastronomical delights is not part of the deal.

The humongous bills take the sheen out of your face and your bank balance but it is restored by the thought of a new life with your soul - mate.





Cut to D - day minus 1. Most middle class weddings in India are convened in a custom built marriage halls which sometimes have holding capacities of up to 2000 smiling relatives and friends. Brains are racked to recall names of all long lost and lorn relatives to invite them all to your personal life's biggest extravaganza! The Indian mind is the most enterprising of them all. South Indian parents plan the wedding reception a day before the actual wedding to ensure maximum utilisation of the wedding hall booked (one cannot let the previous night go idle when you are paying such an exorbitant price for it). For the first time in your life, you are the cynosure of all eyes and you bask in this moment of glory. You are dressed to kill and the hot topic of discussion. Where does he work? How much does he earn? Does he own a house? A car perhaps? Does he have an On - site opportunity in his company? so on and so forth. You being the groom 'arrive' fashionably late at the venue dressed in your best double breasted suit or the traditional Sherwani (both of which by the way would have costed you a fortune).

Me :) :) :)

You and your still - fiance - and soon to be - wife are literally in the spotlight, fixing a smile on the faces, shaking hands with hundreds of hands and posing patiently with dozens and dozens of families & friends. We are akin to the actor on stage who forever remains in character no matter how harsh the situation inside. We are sweating like pigs under the heavy bridal and bride groom make up, all thanks to the bright camera flash lights, the lack of ventilation and the CO2 piling up due to the constant nasal exercises of the hundreds of people that have gathered. The legs bear the brunt and are left a very tired pair at the end of this charade.

Wedding receptions provide the best opportunity to one and all to binge unabashedly on some really good food - all at somebody else's cost! It is also a God given occasion for the PYTs to show off their best costumes. It is an event to let your hair down and enjoy some good live music, to meet up with old friends and distant relatives. It is also the best place for mothers and fathers in the process of looking for a daughter / son in law for themselves. You see horoscopes exchanging wrinkled hands and photographs of the candidates going through an army of eyes.

D - Day: South Indian Weddings are always compulsorily convened in broad day light! It is for everyone to witness and behold without any ambiguity in mind. The day for the bride, groom and their inner circle starts very early. Traditionally dressed pandits chant out vedic hymns to invoke the holy spirits and the Almighty to sanctify the ceremony (Holy Matrimony). Both groom and bride are dressed in traditional wedding gear that includes a princely Mysore Peta, silk cloth over your shoulders and a silk dhoti for the groom and a heavy 9 yard Silk - gold embroidered saree for the bride with half a dozen kilo of jewellery from head to toe thrown in. The decked up bride is literally carried to the stage to join the waiting groom by her maternal uncles. After a series of mantras and some cheeky comments by the Pandit, comes the event which led to the term "Tying the Knot". The "Mangalsutra" which has been blessed by all elders is tied to the bride in 3 knots which symbolises love, trust and marital happiness.

The Ring Finding ceremony

One of the Acclimatisation ceremonies

The Dhaare ceremony (Kanya Daan)

The completion of this elaborate ceremony declares to the whole world that you are now a couple. Again, it is time to update your Face book status from 'engaged' to 'married'.

Since arranged marriages of yore did not provide much opportunity to the boy and girl to get familiar with each other, there were a lot of little games that were designed to thaw the freeze and acclimatize them to the institution of marriage. There is the well known exercise of finding the ring in a pot of milk, pouring rice on each other's heads, holding a fun betrothal for your future kids, feeding each other sweets. All this happens amidst constant giggling and gazes of your well wishers. It is a great day indeed and a day to remember your entire life.

Marriages are made in heaven they say. Man - Woman culminate to a uni - soul. No matter what circuitous route your fate makes you take, your destiny has already been established. Marriages in India are the greatest success stories and living evidences of how two strangers when brought together in this holy institution go on to become each other's best companions, confidants, guides and most importantly Soul mates in the spiritual sense. A happy marriage is a key to a healthy life and to an ever lasting peace of mind.

Marriage is a great place to be and I strongly recommend it once to everybody.


“Marriage is the golden ring in a chain whose beginning is a glance and whose ending is Eternity.”

- Kahlil Gibran